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Sunday, December 30th, 2007
11:39 pm
Shit. I just read every entry since 2002. How does that feel? Realizing how completly rediculous you are. but it wasn't rediculous, it was a lost and lonely teenage girl who had an immense amount of problems. i still can't spell, but the problems are much dimmer.

and that search for happieness, is merely a quest for balance, becuase it's true that you can never ask your self if your happy. you just have to be.

I read about this dream i had where my grandfather told me my grandma had all this cash hidden in the attic. and now i realize, perhaps he meants she has a a bunch of secrets. She's sick, and hardly there, but maybe she has some tthings she needs to tell someone before she can let go. i should get on that.

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Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
9:03 pm
nights shimmer like metal on a broken clock. i laugh at your insides while the kitty kat claws at my upper lip. some days i can hardly count the seconds while others you seem like miles.

oh to be free and young. and in the blossoming of youth.

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Friday, May 26th, 2006
6:59 pm - machines arn't spose to dance
Volunteered for an MRI scan. she said she'd give me the pictures of my brain. - 'inside the brain of a jewish american princess' whitney matirial. ha.

my mind is so cluttered. ever since realizing the bullshit i pulled upon him, i cant even live with myself. have never felt so bad in my life. and theres no way to reconcile becuase he's not here
and i may spend my life regretting this one instance. and the only way to let it go, is to speak. but i dont have the right words yet.
and i dont blame him for not caring.

we dig and we dig and we dig. i love the cloisters.

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Saturday, May 20th, 2006
2:18 am

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Friday, May 19th, 2006
4:40 pm - general loopholes and strange dreams of sanscript
i wake up to clouds . i wake up to sunshine. rain falls heavy and i wonder how glad i must be not to be caught in its downpour. i remember this beeper commercial where some dude beeps his girlfriend whose stuck in the rain . "will you marry me" thenafter a montage of other reasons why one needs to own a beeper.. he appears with her standing in a puddle. in the pouring rain. and they kiss. i fucking love it.

i lie to myself about a need for affection. highschool it was so easy. it just never came, and so i never took it. and it was easier to admit i wanted it. needed it. i try and lie to myself now. i dont need it. sex is greed. becuase i know ill never meet this one until i'm full formed. and god knows how long that would be. - and so .. i suppose we do find mates to help us pass the time. so why can't i be liek that. not caring ever fleeting.

i dreamed he had connor obersts hair cut. a really hipster due. where the bangs formed a sharp triangle in the front. he was in front of his computer. he loooked remarkebly good. didnt remember it til now with my brother, watching chris katan play antonia bandaras.

i asked laura if she thought i really liked this one. or if it was becuase i couldnt have it. she went with the latter.

current mood: mellow

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Tuesday, May 9th, 2006
2:27 am
and he called at 2 30. and he said ..he couldnt do it sober. but he loved me and i was his soul.

edon and diana are back. schools out. and the world is at our finger tips.... ChabaM!

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Monday, May 8th, 2006
11:33 am - silly how the rain falls upward
funny how the sun comes out when you just thought the day was grey. sneaking in and out of hearts. leaving tears and on junket tarts.

he told me when he was asked why he had to leave early. "when i said i had to meet someone, egan said 'who, diana brown'" he asked how he had known and egan said "live journal" it must take a lot of snoopping to put those two together. unless ofcourse it just came souly from facebook. but i think... someones been stalkernetting.

we all do it. i just enjoy it when im the one being stalked.

if you ignore them they hate you, if you smother them they hat eyou more. so what do you do-

:) ignore them till you leave..becuase boys are too silly anyhow...and the citys filled with millions of em.

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Wednesday, May 3rd, 2006
7:04 pm - 48 hours and counting
til this project is due. i let my heart skip a beat..when i think of him.

I desearve it so my heart doesnt hurt as much as it would. I let him make love to me on sunday. it was asthough his holding my hand in the bridge had made me realized my heart did palpitate for him. or maybe it was just when i was lonely. if only he would call , i would know. if its real.. or just the absence that makes the heart grow fonder. schools out for summer.

- i dont know where he will go, it doesnt matter. sunday night, didnt matter. it was as empty as all the other nights. except i trusted him. it took me four months, and many hurts. he was ready then, and i wasnt. but he wont know now that i can mean it. do i mean it? Either way, it doesnt matter, love or like, if his response his cold, my action is nothing.

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Friday, April 28th, 2006
9:50 pm
the band marches on and my forgivness has ceased.

im in a vortex of sorts...where it'll stop me knows not

rum and pills.

the rumaging of all the clothes in the hamper mad the room look smaller. the hindu gods stared out from their places on the mantel. words lost in image..to many thoughts on paper. like caresses.

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Saturday, April 15th, 2006
10:00 am - And forgive us our trespasses, As we forgive those who trespass against us
Our Father, who art in heaven, Hallowed be thy Name. Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done, On earth as it is in heaven.

I have become a religious freak, jew, buddhist, christian, hindu, zen.

addonaie has forgiven me for my sins . today my card was judgement

Card XX also stands for the feelings that come with salvation. When the angel calls, you are reborn - cleansed of all guilts and burdens. The past and its mistakes are behind you, and you are ready to begin anew. You may even feel a calling - a personal conviction of what you are meant to do.

god has forgiven me. Edon, can you?

I miss you.

I love jesus, and jesus loves me.

compassion compassion compassion

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Monday, April 3rd, 2006
11:47 pm
i am bipolar

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Sunday, March 5th, 2006
1:01 am
i dont even enjoy partying. i mean. i do. but i think ive realized im too big a bitch to ever really have friends. but i mean, maybe that is what it takes to get anything done in this world. i climbed the mountain today, but now im not dancing, becuase someone's on a phone call and i feel like a babysitter. i just feel like i have to save everybody sometimes.

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Thursday, February 2nd, 2006
12:46 am - delicate glasses
didnt realize you'd lost your writing skills. not that the mechanics were there anyway. rereading old stories. articles about bad prom, and honors students doing drugs, and teenage girls sexual addictions.

oh. pot will never fuck with me.

so fucking melowdramatic your boots tapping slightly as they hit the gravel. i wonder if you floss at night. the scuffing of these uggs. ur heals. appeals. jelly beans in july. i saw you walking, or maybe not. i saw a tape of love last night.

so self involved. so. so. so. so. bitchy. and horrible egotiscial. balls the size of small dogs.

if i were you. i would have killed myself ages ago.

yea. yea you would have.

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Monday, January 2nd, 2006
10:58 pm - roll away days and meddows
god damn. damn.t

i am so not on a winning streak.
edonny is mad about my last entry, and why shouldnt he be. and hes the only one who reads this anyway. so, im stressed about that. not to mention. im stupid. so fucking stupid.

so stupid.

no car. yea. 6 months. i had it 6 months. but yea. i obbiovusly cant keep a car for mor ethen 7000 m,iles. cause im good for nothing. - late last night. so . not. not. i mean. the hadly police have no respect for their criminals i wasnt a criminal but i had to sit in the back of the car. seats hard as plastic and so small. feel bad for criminals with big knees.

fuck you three named awesomness for correcting my grammer..ashley is allowed becuase she is my editor.

sorry eeeeddonnn.

isnt madonnas new song. A mAZ ING

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Wednesday, December 28th, 2005
1:52 am - inwhich we resolute to no more food
Oh god. today was so crisp. i cleaned. i sewed. played guitar. masterbated. last night was so dancy. dance dance revolution. Condesending hipster boys. I told laura she really has to get over that obsession. I wanted to tatoo something but it was too late by the time we arrived at st. marks.
it's nice when people you think hate you call you on the holidays. the holidays gives us all an excuses

my eyelids are shutting. i want to dance with everyone. i lost my cell again. whats my problem.

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Monday, December 19th, 2005
6:45 pm

Name / Username:

Name Acronym Generator
From Go-Quiz.com

my livejournal is far to sappy for anyones good. not that anyone reads it of course. my family is sitting on the bed cheating at go-fish. i am stalking people on face book. and the sun has set over jamica. oo.

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Wednesday, December 14th, 2005
2:22 am - stupid whores and such
im such a freaking lame ass.
should alteast give myself credit for the fac tthat i dont let myself facebook/livejournal stalk until after midnight.

no more freaking photos, videos- drawings..aiaiai

me the city .... greygoose and laurabean!

its like. i realized most lj entries are depressing. and there depressing becuase if u were having fun you woudlnt be writing in ur livejournal.

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Sunday, December 11th, 2005
10:34 pm - tick the tock, break the fucking clock
dont want to be without his smile. he can live without mine

kiss everyone besides the gold. - to shiny. hurt my eyes

'her name was was Princess queen of something./.she had legs like pearls
i could make her mine /if i could own the world
now everybodies trying to keep a secret
and everbodies trying to pass the time
well i've got a big fat seceret of my own
if you keep yours i'll keep mine"- i am a machine gun/brian raymond

-princess di..queen bitch. maybe

whose your favorite music they ask
my best friend obviousl

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Sunday, December 4th, 2005
6:32 pm - the kiss of death
i kissed danger.
i let it slip from my lips onto his.

he kissed back and we backed away

and i found a sudden awakening on my embarressment...as we sat there in silence and he put on his shoes

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Thursday, December 1st, 2005
1:40 am - great expectations
As we walked away from barns and noble... an image of a dream i had last night came back to me. - Earlier we had seen a really eleborate drawing of a black man with wings flying close to the sun. - it made me think of this greek myth daedalus makes wings for himself and his son to fly off the island of the island of cretes or whatever. . anyway the point is..his son flys too close to the sun and the wax that holds the feathers of the wings together, melts. ...the boy falls rappidly from the heavens above into the depths of the ocean below.

last night i dreamed we were all wearing wings, i remember everyone kept flying too close to the sun like the boy and i was so scared their wings would melt but i didnt want to be foolish so i made sure not to fly too close.

i was being careful. i cant remember if anyone actually fell or not.

so its like wings of blazing fire represent every desire
the suns heat, the wax would melt
spirals...floor and cabbage.

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